What Not to Say
As we near the end of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, here are some examples of what NOT to say to bereaved parents. These are all actual examples of well-meaning but stupid things said to recently bereaved parents.
You’re young; you can always have more. [Perhaps, but we want THAT one, the one who died. NO person is a replacement for another. For some of us, this isn't a possibility anyhow, due to tubes tied at delivery or medical issues.]
You can always adopt. [See above.]
Well, that’s just nature’s way of weeding out the defective ones. [Not said to me, but was said to my friend by her OB.]
Well, it’s probably better that it happened now, rather than later, when you had more memories. [NO! All I'll ever have of my child is memories and, b/c I'm one of the luckier ones, photographs. I'd give my right arm to have five more minutes of memories with my son or to keep the ones I have from fading.]
I know just how you feel. [NO, you don't. Even if you've lost a child, each heart knows its own bitterness and no one else can share its joy. This was spoken by a married guy w/no kids. He meant well, but his wife knew it was a dumb thing to say and silence him with a "Honey..." and a hand on the arm.]
My wife [she was 8 1/2 months pregnant at the time] is going crazy. Can you please talk to her for me? [No joke, a friend of ours said this to me at church THE DAY AFTER my son died. The day after. Oh, and he did know that Paul died. I truly do not know how I managed not to kill him. I think I was just too emotionally shell-shocked at that point to react to him.]
I heard about your son, but I didn’t really understand what happened. Did your wife drink when she was pregnant or something? [I kid you not, one of Hubby's co-workers said that to Hubby. I haven't met this guy. I don't plan ever to meet him. I don't know how I would react to him.]
Boy, you really hit the nail on the head on that one. I think every one of those things was said to me and my husband after we lost our daughter at birth nearly six and a half years ago. People just can’t comprehend the hurt and pain and sometimes say really senseless things.
How about just an “I’m so very sorry for your loss”???
Sarah, I think a lot of times people really want to say something and don’t know what to say, but feel like they ought to say something significant. They just don’t realize that a simple, sincere “I really don’t know what to say, but I’m so sorry for your loss” means more than anything. And then there are idiots like the guy who asked if I drank.
Oh, and I’m sorry that you’re also part of “the club” of bereaved parents.
Erica,
Thank you. Definitely not a “club” anyone would ever aspire to. I found your blog after reading your article “The Knitting” on Knitty.com. It moved me to tears, and since then I’ve “checked in” on you from time to time. I think Paul was truly blessed to have such a wonderful, caring family. I’m so sorry for your loss.