Nine Months…
So, yesterday was the 12th. Paul would have been nine months old. It’s really weird to think of. I can’t really imagine him that big. The other day, I was looking at some videos hubby is in the process of moving onto DVD, and there was one where Thing Two was nine months old. I just couldn’t picture Paul being that old or big, doing all those things.
I was OK yesterday, but the pain hit me today. I think it was partly b/c I told the story twice today — first to a mom at school who didn’t know about him, second to a former mom from school whom I hadn’t seen since June. Of course, she asked, “How’s the baby?”, and I had to explain. At least she didn’t ask “Where’s your baby?” I keep thinking that if someone asks me that, I might just blurt out, “St. Joseph’s Cemetery in the East Bay”. Probably not a good idea. That would probably freak people out. Oh, and one of the ladies who works at my Curves was asking me about him b/c of the flyer on the wall, asking people to sponsor me in the March of Dimes walk.
Hubby stayed home with me tonight instead of going to church. By the time I got home from Curves, I was starting to spiral down pretty quickly. I was torn — I wanted him to be able to go to church, but I was also afraid that it might not be a good idea for me to be here w/o him. I’ve been doing OK, but who knows how it would have been if he’d left, and I’d kept spiraling down.
Seeing pictures of our new nephews the twins was *REALLY* hard last week. It’s beyond cool to see my bro-in-law getting into being a dad, but it was SO hard to look at those two sweet little boys with their dark hair and want so badly to hold Paul again, knowing I never will. It’s hard to be torn between such conflicting emotions — being SO excited for them, having “auntie syndrome”, wanting to spend lots of money buying them all kinds of cute personalized twin-related stuff, yet also feeling so much of my own pain over it. I feel bad that we haven’t gone to see the babies yet, but I know my sis-in-law understands. Someday, we’ll be ready to see them. We won’t be able to stall the girls much longer. They really want to meet their new cousins after having prayed for so long for their auntie to get pregnant, then for the babies to “grow and be strong and stay inside until it’s time to come out.”
